Whoopi Goldberg Accidentally Wins “Most Hated in Hollywood” Award Again, Beats Out Traffic and Kale

Hollywood, CA – In what insiders are calling “a statistical miracle, or perhaps just karma,” actress and TV host Whoopi Goldberg has once again been voted the Most Hated Person in Hollywood — narrowly beating out traffic on the 405, airport security lines, and kale smoothies that pretend to taste like ice cream.

Once considered America’s quirky aunt who could make you cry in The Color Purple and then make you laugh with a well-timed ghost joke, Whoopi’s fall from grace has been as dramatic as a soap opera wedding — lots of screaming, confused guests, and someone inevitably being slapped with a glove.

So, what happened?

“She joined The View, and never left,” said former television producer Joe Barron, who now runs a podcast called “Hollywood Used to Be Cool.”
“At this point, the show is less about views and more about who can scowl the longest while misquoting the Constitution.”

Inside the Poll That Broke the Internet

The original poll — reportedly distributed privately among the Screen Actors Guild’s Conservative Caucus, which consists of roughly 7 actors, 4 career Facebook commenters, and Clint Eastwood’s ghostwriter — was meant to be “internal only.” But when someone’s nephew accidentally attached it to his TikTok cooking video, the results went viral faster than a cat wearing MAGA socks.

According to the leaked results:

• 82% of respondents named Goldberg as “the most disliked public figure in Hollywood.”

• Top reasons listed? “Chronic sour-face,” “historical revisionism with jazz hands,” and “that one time she defended a guy nobody remembers.”

• One respondent simply wrote: “She yells like my ex-wife and my GPS at the same time.”

Committee of Stars (Sort Of) Votes Unanimously

The motion was introduced by Scott Baio, who recently resurfaced from the 1980s to make politics weird again. It was seconded by James Woods, who interrupted his daily routine of subtweeting liberals to cast his vote.

Others who allegedly participated in the secret caucus included:

• Kevin Sorbo, via proxy. (His representative faxed a message that just said “Hercules disapproves.”)

• Roseanne Barr, who screamed her vote through a drive-thru speaker at a Sonic in Arkansas.

• Dean Cain, who showed up in full Superman costume but tripped over his own cape.

The only non-voter? Clint Eastwood, who reportedly spent 45 minutes yelling at his iPad before realizing he was trying to open the microwave.

An Industry Shuns Its Elder

Once a frequent guest on late-night shows and red carpets, Whoopi is now “kind of like cilantro,” according to an anonymous publicist.
“Some people swear by her. The rest of us wonder why she’s still in everything we order.”

Her co-hosts on The View were quick to defend her, but sources say it’s mostly out of fear she’ll monologue them into oblivion before the next commercial break.

“I don’t dislike her,” said one former guest under the condition of anonymity, “I just… don’t like being yelled at before 9 a.m. about the electoral college by someone wearing a muumuu and combat boots.”

America Speaks: Quietly, Anonymously, and With Polls

Outside the celebrity bubble, the American public seems equally exhausted.

A recent national poll conducted in diners, bowling alleys, and YouTube comment sections found that:

• 48% of respondents thought Whoopi retired in 2004.

• 33% thought she was Oprah’s cousin.

• 19% thought The View was a courtroom show.

But perhaps the most telling comment came from a retired nurse in Des Moines:
“I used to love her in Sister Act. Now she acts like she’s everyone’s sister-in-law at Thanksgiving — loud, judgmental, and somehow always holding a glass of wine.”

Conclusion: From Beloved to… Whatever This Is

There was a time when Whoopi Goldberg was America’s comedic conscience — a bold, boundary-breaking voice. But these days, she’s more like background noise in a dentist’s waiting room: familiar, slightly irritating, and weirdly aggressive about politics.

Could she win back the public?

Possibly. But until then, she’ll remain the reigning queen of Hollywood disapproval — a title she may not have asked for, but seems oddly comfortable wearing.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. Nothing in this piece should be interpreted as literal truth. We wish Whoopi the best, and we hope Clint figures out his iPad.