Ellen DeGeneres Escapes to UK After Realizing Trump Won’t Be Canceled

Cheltenham, England – Former TV talk show host and professional hugger Ellen DeGeneres says she left the United States because of one man: Donald Trump. And not just the tweets, or the orange tint, or the time he said wind turbines cause cancer — but because, apparently, he just refused to disappear.

“He got in,” Ellen whispered dramatically to a small British theater audience, clutching a cup of tea like it was holy water. “And I got out.”

Ellen and her wife, Portia de Rossi, fled the U.S. political climate in November like it was an episode of Fear Factor hosted by Tucker Carlson. They settled in the rolling countryside of the UK, where politeness is currency, the cows don’t sue for emotional distress, and Prime Ministers politely self-destruct every six weeks.

A Simpler Life… With Imported Horses and Temporary Sheep

“We moved here thinking it would be a part-time thing,” Ellen told a crowd in Cheltenham. “But then we woke up the morning after the U.S. election to texts full of crying emojis. That’s when I knew America was over. If my friend Karen is using emojis — we’re done.”

Since moving, the couple has embraced the “simpler life,” which apparently includes:

• A British manor estate,

• Several chickens,

• Horses flown in on private planes,

• And a herd of sheep that mysteriously disappeared after two weeks.

“They were just visiting,” Ellen said. “Emotionally.”

“Everything Here Is Better, Except the Food and the Smiles”

Ellen has not held back her love for England. “The air smells like teabags and humility,” she said. “Everything here is just better — even the way animals are treated. And people don’t scream at you in the grocery store for holding up the line with organic bananas. They just glare softly and go home to write about it in their journal.”

She was last seen riding a lawnmower in slow circles across her massive British estate — possibly searching for American values.

When asked if she missed anything about the U.S., she paused, then replied:
“Well… Target. And the part where people used to like me.”

“I Got Kicked Out of Showbiz for Being Mean” – Ellen, Blunt Force Edition

DeGeneres also took a moment to reflect on the implosion of her daytime empire, which ended in 2022 after allegations surfaced about a toxic work culture where assistants cried if the paper clips weren’t aligned with her aura.

“I was direct,” she said, adjusting her halo. “I was blunt. And apparently that means I’m mean now?”

Some fans have noted that her “bluntness” included banning gum chewing, eye contact, and low-vibration fonts. But Ellen insists: “I’m empathetic, I swear! I once hugged a dog with seasonal depression for three minutes!”

Though she publicly claimed she was “done” with showbiz after her Netflix special, sources say she still cries when she hears the sound of a live studio audience applauding a compliment sandwich.

A Gay Re-Wedding, If America Forgets Love Again

DeGeneres, a longtime LGBTQ+ icon, also warned that if the U.S. reverses gay marriage protections, she and Portia are ready to tie the knot again — this time, across the pond.

“We’re already researching British florists who don’t use traumatic colors,” Portia whispered in a countryside chapel while holding a horse’s hoof.

DeGeneres added, “We’ve got the ceremony playlist ready. It’s just the sound of Anderson Cooper sighing for 45 minutes.”

Meanwhile in America: People Forgot She Was Gone

Back in the U.S., most Americans had no idea Ellen had left.

A recent street poll in Cleveland revealed:

• 36% thought Ellen was still on TV.

• 22% thought she had gone on a yoga retreat in Arizona.

• 17% thought she’d been rebooted as a non-binary robot in the Fallout franchise.

• 25% simply said, “Wait, Ellen who? Like the Generous lady?”

The White House, when reached for comment, sent back a shrug emoji and a screenshot of Biden’s Spotify playlist (which included “That’s What Friends Are For” ironically).

Conclusion: America Loses a Comedian, Gains a Chicken Farmer

For now, Ellen appears content wandering through English gardens, reminiscing about the days when dance breaks and giveaways were enough to distract people from backstage meltdowns.

“I’m not bitter,” she said while sipping herbal tea. “I’m just better. And British, apparently.”

Whether America is ready to welcome her back remains to be seen. For now, she’ll have to settle for being Queen of Kindness in the land of quiet resentment and scones.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Ellen DeGeneres has not actually declared war on ranch dressing, nor has she been seen communing with sheep (as far as we know). The events and quotes are fictionalized for comedic purposes. Laugh responsibly.