Ellen DeGeneres Begs to Return to U.S. After Realizing Tea Isn’t a Personality

London, UK – After years abroad sipping lukewarm tea, mastering the art of passive-aggressive apologies, and trying to understand why people clap when planes land, Ellen DeGeneres has announced she “deeply regrets” leaving the United States — and is now begging for a second chance at the American Dream.

“I’ve decided to reapply for citizenship, which is a long and arduous process,” Ellen confessed during a BBC radio interview no one heard because it aired right after cricket scores. “Honestly, I miss the chaos. At least in America, you know what kind of crazy you’re getting.”

According to sources close to the celebrity formerly known as a daytime TV goddess, Ellen and her wife Portia de Rossi officially renounced their U.S. citizenship when they moved to the UK in 2022, citing “spiritual exhaustion” and “a sudden fondness for shepherd’s pie.”

Now, the honeymoon with Britain seems to be over — and it turns out the grass isn’t greener, just wetter and judgmental.

From Dance Breaks to Brexit Woes

Once America’s sweetheart, Ellen spent over a decade dancing into living rooms across the nation — only to dance her way into mild obscurity on another continent. British tabloids reported sightings of her trying to start spontaneous conga lines at bus stops and being politely ignored.

“She just doesn’t quite fit in here,” said one British neighbor. “We’re more into quiet suffering and mild sarcasm. She tried to ‘scare’ me out of a cupboard last week with a hidden camera. I called the council.”

Reports say Ellen struggled with the British lifestyle, including:

• Not being able to order ranch dressing without being reported to customs,

• People saying “sorry” instead of solving problems,

• And the fact that nobody claps when someone enters a room.

Even worse, British game shows reportedly refused to book her because “she was being a bit too American about it.”

The Path to Re-Citizenship: Not So Generous

Under new U.S. reentry policies for former citizens who voluntarily renounced their status, the DeGeneres–DeRossi household is now on what officials are calling “The Long Sad Road of Bureaucratic Redemption.” This includes:

• Proving they still know the lyrics to “The Star-Spangled Banner,”

• Passing a background check that includes at least one tailgate party attendance,

• And watching all 12 seasons of NCIS without fast-forwarding.

“The process could take up to ten years, if they get it back at all,” says Immigration Reform expert Brenda Saltdust. “Just because you made America laugh doesn’t mean you can ghost it and come crawling back like it’s an ex with good Wi-Fi.”

Ellen has reportedly hired an entire legal team, an immigration psychic, and a former contestant from American Idol to help build her case.

America Responds: “We’ll Think About It”

Public opinion on Ellen’s return has been split:

• 41% said, “Wait, she left?”

• 27% said, “Only if she brings back free iPads.”

• 19% said, “Make her go through the DMV first like the rest of us.”

• And 13% were too busy watching The View ironically to respond.

Meanwhile, several states have pre-emptively declared her “conditionally tolerable,” while Florida suggested she “try Canada first and see how it goes.”

Her old show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, has reportedly rejected all attempts at revival, stating:
“We are currently full of nostalgia-based reboots and will not be accepting applications until further notice.”

Portia’s Take: Just Let Me Buy Eggs Without a Passport

Portia de Rossi, who also gave up citizenship in an attempt to “fully commit to her tea-and-mystery-novel era,” says she regrets the decision but is more annoyed by the logistics.
“I just wanted to escape Hollywood drama,” she said. “Now I can’t even buy eggs without showing a biometric scan and a handwritten letter from Queen Camilla.”

The couple is said to be considering a “public apology tour”, featuring dancing diplomats and a 5K fundraiser titled Walk for Redemption: Steps Back to America.

Conclusion: Home of the Brave, and Formerly Famous

Whether Ellen makes it back to the land of cheeseburgers and illogical parking signs remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: she misses it.
Not just the fast food or the freedom to scream in public — she misses being part of a nation that turns personal meltdowns into primetime Emmy opportunities.

In the meantime, she’s reportedly hosting a new UK-based podcast called “Ellen-gland”, where she interviews pigeons, apologizes to benches, and tries to learn the difference between a biscuit and a scone.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Ellen DeGeneres has not publicly renounced or reapplied for U.S. citizenship (as far as we know), and any resemblance to real immigration procedures or BBC programming is purely for comedic effect. Carry on.