THIS JUST IN: Megan Rapinoe Announces She’s Leaving the U.S.—“I Got No Respect”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning imaginary development, soccer icon Megan Rapinoe has reportedly decided to leave the United States, citing “an unforgivable lack of admiration” and a national shortage of standing ovations. “I get no respect here,” Rapinoe allegedly told her reflection in the mirror, before dramatically zipping up a Louis Vuitton suitcase stuffed with rainbow scarves and grievance letters.
Sources close to the situation (aka, no one real) say Rapinoe’s decision comes after years of fighting for equal pay, equal praise, and equal amounts of screen time on ESPN’s 30 for 30. The final straw? Not being featured on the Mount Rushmore redesign proposed by absolutely no one.
“It’s like… I’ve done everything. I kicked balls. I knelt during anthems. I inspired hashtags. And what do I get in return? Memes from middle-aged Facebook dads? I’m out,” she reportedly muttered, storming out of her eco-friendly California mansion.
Though she didn’t specify where she’d go next, rumors suggest she’s eyeing France, Canada, or an undisclosed location in New Zealand—a country known for respecting strong women and having fewer Twitter trolls per capita.
Critics, mostly seen wearing American flag tank tops at Applebee’s, say “good riddance.” One man told our imaginary reporter, “She should take the U.S. women’s team’s last World Cup performance with her and never look back.”
Supporters, however, held a vigil outside a Whole Foods, lighting soy candles and chanting, “You go, girl. Just maybe not too far.”
Meanwhile, the U.S. Soccer Federation issued a brief statement:
“While we have no official comment on this fictional announcement, we respect Megan Rapinoe’s imaginary journey and wish her safe travels, wherever her emotional GPS may lead.”
Experts say Rapinoe’s “departure” marks a turning point in athlete-activist relations—especially among athletes who exist in the realm of political fantasy and satirical headlines.
🧨 DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of satire and parody. Megan Rapinoe has not announced plans to leave the U.S. Any quotes, details, or events described above are fictional and intended purely for humorous or critical commentary.
